Monday, September 30, 2013
Brighter Day
Sometimes I can't grasp how my life goes.
Sometimes it seems that I'm just at the sideline watching over everything that happens to me.
But sometimes I manage to take control and steer the way things go...
I did just that a couple of weeks ago. And somehow I've set things in motion.
Things which are making me smile.
Getting to know someone who intrigues me.
Hoping I get to know her even better.
And every day
just seems a little bit
brighter...
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Smile From The Past
I was a bit tired of these piles of boxes just standing around and decided to do something about them.
So I was sorting through old notes from college this afternoon. Deciding what I could still use and keep and what to discard.
And while I was going through those hundreds of pages of paper I noticed a page which had another handwriting on it than mine. It took me a minute to realize who's writing it actually was. But when I noticed the sentence in the sideline I instantly remembered.
It read: "tiny lily st*rry zottywotty loof joety"
It put a smile on my face as I thought back at that time when I was doing some research in the college-library when Lily had joined me. It was about 10 years ago, and one of the few times (or so I remember) I saw her that last year we were together.
Time has gone by way too fast...
Sunday, July 7, 2013
To Let It Go...
I have always been carrying my past like bagage with me. I was afraid of losing it and forgetting what made me who I am today. I couldn't rid myself of the painful thoughts and wishes which made my life harder than it actually was. It closed me off from other people and the outside world in general.
I was always biding my time and hoping for someone to come knock on my door and drag me out into the brighter day. And all the while I saw everyone around me carrying on striving for happiness.
I had been blind and stuck for far too long but didn't have the willpower to do anything about it.
But than a few weeks ago I experienced some kind of epiphany.
I had managed to meet up with with the person which represented my past, the past I couldn't let go.
It had been ages since I had seen and talked to her, but her image had still lived in my mind for all that time. She had brought her significant other which was an old friend of mine and we really had a pleasant evening talking about everything that went on in our lives.
That evening I saw and felt how happy those two people were together. Even though they had their own hardships and problems, they were there for one another. And I understood finally that I could let my past go. I needn't worry about her anymore, because she had already made her life and was continuing to write it herself.
And so I lost a burden which I had been carrying for about ten years.
In the meantime I've been busy working on myself, becoming a more open person, a better version of myself. It's a slow process but there's progress nonetheless.
I'm no longer afraid of forgetting what I lived through, I still see it every day I look in the mirror...
I was always biding my time and hoping for someone to come knock on my door and drag me out into the brighter day. And all the while I saw everyone around me carrying on striving for happiness.
I had been blind and stuck for far too long but didn't have the willpower to do anything about it.
But than a few weeks ago I experienced some kind of epiphany.
I had managed to meet up with with the person which represented my past, the past I couldn't let go.
It had been ages since I had seen and talked to her, but her image had still lived in my mind for all that time. She had brought her significant other which was an old friend of mine and we really had a pleasant evening talking about everything that went on in our lives.
That evening I saw and felt how happy those two people were together. Even though they had their own hardships and problems, they were there for one another. And I understood finally that I could let my past go. I needn't worry about her anymore, because she had already made her life and was continuing to write it herself.
And so I lost a burden which I had been carrying for about ten years.
In the meantime I've been busy working on myself, becoming a more open person, a better version of myself. It's a slow process but there's progress nonetheless.
I'm no longer afraid of forgetting what I lived through, I still see it every day I look in the mirror...
Thursday, June 6, 2013
The Corner
Every year around this time my parents go on a holiday.
And every time again I pass by my parental house to check on things and feed the fishes and chickens...
So when I enter the house where I have lived for so many years, I'm always welcomed with a feeling of home. That's why I can relate to this song by Staind. Even though I don't live there any more, it all looks so familiar still.
But today was a little bit different.
My mind took me back 10 years ago. It reminded me of her.
I could still imagine her standing right there at the sink, or sitting at the kitchen table in front of me.
I saw her laying on the couch, us hugging in the store...
I was overwhelmed by my thoughts as tears sprung to my eyes.
How did I ever get to be like this, when I had it all?
Monday, May 27, 2013
Bikeride...
Sometimes, when I find it hard to handle the thoughts in my mind, it helps me to run away and clear my head a little bit.
These days I try to do that by going for a bikeride. Physical efforts are my main way of taking a break from everything that concerns me.
But the only way I'm sure that I can free my mind is by setting of for a couple of hours on my bike.
I never plan where I'm going. I just take off and let my bike chose the path.
The funny thing is: if I'm really having a hard time I'll always take a certain road. It always leads me past her old street, past her parental house. And it always helps to calm me down. There's something about that particular section of road that calms my senses, it seems like I relive the past to a certain degree. That same road that I travelled so many times before still brings back so many beautiful memories.
And so I go a little harder, it pushes me forward and gives me strength of heart. At least for a while.
Should I need it again, I'll always find my way there...
These days I try to do that by going for a bikeride. Physical efforts are my main way of taking a break from everything that concerns me.
But the only way I'm sure that I can free my mind is by setting of for a couple of hours on my bike.
I never plan where I'm going. I just take off and let my bike chose the path.
The funny thing is: if I'm really having a hard time I'll always take a certain road. It always leads me past her old street, past her parental house. And it always helps to calm me down. There's something about that particular section of road that calms my senses, it seems like I relive the past to a certain degree. That same road that I travelled so many times before still brings back so many beautiful memories.
And so I go a little harder, it pushes me forward and gives me strength of heart. At least for a while.
Should I need it again, I'll always find my way there...
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Strong Heart
Somebody started talking to me tonight.
He was having a rough night with all the things he's been through the past half year, and he needed a talk.
I don't really know that guy that well, but I'm always willing to lend a listening ear.
Sometimes it can be really helpful to just tell your story and having someone there to listen to it. Whether they understand or not is irrelevant. The fact that they listen is enough...
And when he was done talking he asked me how I was holding up.
I hadn't heard or seen the guy in a long time, so I surprised him when I told him that I wasn't doing so brilliantly.
He was kind of shocked. He told me he had always figured out that I had it made. That I had everything I wanted. Of course he couldn't have known because he wasn't aware that I have been without a relationship for 1,5 year.
So I only explained a fraction of how I actually am doing right now. And I appreciated what support he gave me, knowing the bigger things he's been dealing with this last year.
This helped me to put things in perspective once again.
Yes, my life isn't all that cracked up to be right now, but there are a lot of people out there who are having to deal with things which are a lot worse.
There's always something that goes wrong in our lifes. The fact is that we have to deal with these tests the best we can.
And we can't ever give up on ourselves and the people we love.
It takes a strong heart to persist.
But persevere I will...
He was having a rough night with all the things he's been through the past half year, and he needed a talk.
I don't really know that guy that well, but I'm always willing to lend a listening ear.
Sometimes it can be really helpful to just tell your story and having someone there to listen to it. Whether they understand or not is irrelevant. The fact that they listen is enough...
And when he was done talking he asked me how I was holding up.
I hadn't heard or seen the guy in a long time, so I surprised him when I told him that I wasn't doing so brilliantly.
He was kind of shocked. He told me he had always figured out that I had it made. That I had everything I wanted. Of course he couldn't have known because he wasn't aware that I have been without a relationship for 1,5 year.
So I only explained a fraction of how I actually am doing right now. And I appreciated what support he gave me, knowing the bigger things he's been dealing with this last year.
This helped me to put things in perspective once again.
Yes, my life isn't all that cracked up to be right now, but there are a lot of people out there who are having to deal with things which are a lot worse.
There's always something that goes wrong in our lifes. The fact is that we have to deal with these tests the best we can.
And we can't ever give up on ourselves and the people we love.
It takes a strong heart to persist.
But persevere I will...
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